I cannot reiterate how infuriating it is to know there is a place where dinosaurs are real, but that Jeff Goldblum doesn’t live there. In this humble cinephile’s opinion, Goldblum’s performance as the charismatic chaotician, Dr. Ian Malcolm, elevates Jurassic Park from hum dum popcorn flick to true art. The Savage Land is nothing like the film, Jurassic Park. It’s filled with annoying people and their annoying saber tooth tiger companions. The people only wear pelts and therefore have no enthusiasm for great costume design or pattern making. Worst of all, there is no gift shop. If I have to spend a few days of my life tossing rocks at a Tyrannosaurus Rex, then I want to be able to purchase a fanny pack to commemorate the experience. Did you know that in the Savage Land, smug cripples can walk again? When smug cripples aren’t crippled anymore, they just become smugger. They mock you for tossing rocks at a Tyrannosaurus Rex and remind you that you still owe them $14 from a shuffleboard match in 1962.
I really wish Jeff Goldblum was my best friend.
—p. 511, Vol. 6, The Autobiography of Magneto X, by Erik Lensherr
